Hey there. Has anyone told you how great your ass looks today? No? Well everyone around you can go fuck themselves.
As I walk around the internet, and for 3 hours this morning- the outside world, I noticed how absolutely sour our human race has gotten. Who cares if you’re single on this random day a million years ago when there may or may not have been a priest who wed soldiers that weren’t supposed to be married because they should have been focusing on the war? (Deep breath in) Well guess what, that priest ruined a whole bunch of women’s lives. Because of this righteous Mr. Valentine, these chicks had to be widows at sixteen years old (random age guess, probably younger). Do you know what Italian men did to teenage widows? Nothing is the answer. They couldn’t marry again because of Catholicism so no one ever slept with them again! (It is a possibility I am exaggerating but who knows, really). What we do know is that somewhere down the line, a prude virgin male (the pope), decided it would be an awesome idea to name the man who fucked all those women’s sex-lives up, a Saint. So stop being sour, at least you are able to get laid again (unless you have a condition, in which, I truly feel sorry for you, but we can’t be friends, it’s not you, we just have nothing in common).
Are you ready for the most contradictory statement of the day? I love Valentines Day. It’s true. I just can’t hate any day that encourages me to simultaneously drink wine, eat chocolate and gaze at freshly cut flowers. I’ll never say no to that. Also, I love a good party- big or small. This past April in Sweden, I celebrated Witch Burning Day (Walpurgus). No one even knows why but they don’t care, because they have a party, drink a whole bunch, make a bonfire outside their house and dance around it all night long. I’m in! But I’ll celebrate anything. You can tell me tomorrow is whale-mating day and your country likes to celebrate it, and I’ll ask, “does it involve drinking?” and you’ll respond “ya” then I will be on the next flight to celebrate whale-mating day with you. That’s all it takes.
So now we know I can’t hate Valentines Day, but it is a day where everyone seems to hate something, so I’ve decided to hate India. I heard from a possibly completely unreliable Indian girl today that while the country acknowledges this day, they refuse to celebrate it because it is filled with greed and propaganda and they see no point in participating. Well let me ask you this, India, do you think you’re better than me? While I applaud your breeding skills, I just can’t get down with a country that can’t get down with greed. Check yo-self, India, and get your head back in the game. In today’s competition, India, you do not even get a thank-you-for-participating award. You get nothing.
Well, I’ve done all the hating I can do for one day. That’s a lie. But I am done with it here for now. It’s been really fun, I hope we can hate together some day very soon.
One more thing, You-look-great! High-five, line it up…you got it now. Sweet. See ya soon.