Catfish: Just Assume They Are Morbidly Obese

Come for a light jog and a chat with me. It will get our blood pumping and exaggerate our reactions as our breathing gets heavier. But I can guarantee you, it will never be as heavy as the guests on this show.

If you saw the blog title and thought of a fish- get out of here. I mean it. Leave your seat immediately and go into a corner (you can bring your ipad). Re-acquaint yourself with the year we call 2013. You may return when you have learned your lesson.

Welcome back. I hope it is safe to assume that you know ‘catfish’ is a term for someone who fakes an identity through a form of social media. I also hope you are aware of the TV Series Catfish which is the best show ever made. Ever.

This week on Catfish: with the help of a close-talking-possibly-bipolar MTV host and a very chatty camera-man, a woman will meet her online boyfriend in person for the first time. Sounds cute, doesn’t it. I forgot to mention, they have been dating for 10 years! Ten goddamn years. Online. Never once met in person. No sex. Ten years. Her profile was real, his was completely fake. There shouldn’t be a single person on earth that doesn’t say, “I gotta fuckin see this!”. Spoiler alert!- He was five hundred pounds. (Not an exaggeration, I only exaggerate in 7’s).

Let’s take a little break from our jog, there’s an ice cream stand right there and I am craving some of that. And by that I mean some ice-cream, to drop on my shirt, then wash off by pouring an entire bottle of water on my chest- all just to watch the young man’s amazingly awkward reaction. Does he look away, does he stare, does he get scared and just close his eyes until it’s all over? That was super. Okay, lets continue jogging now.

Every episode of Catfish brings a different kind of satisfaction to my day. Last week, a 24-year-old very attractive girl was in a two-year relationship with a man online whom she had never met. His profile showed him being a super fit model and ‘night performer’. So she fell in love with a stripper. Dear idiot: have you learned nothing from T-Pain? Let’s rewind a second, yes, his fake profile said he was a stripper. You would think if you were going to make up an alternate life, you would choose a respectable career. Nevertheless the point is proven that looks are all that matter. She was okay with him being a hot ripped stripper, but when he turned out to be a fat black guy with five kids, it was over. What a racist.

By the way, since when did we let cameramen have freedom of speech? Not only does he interrupt the host (who is obviously suffering from severe depression) but he also provides completely inaccurate advice. Last night’s was, “Love is not something you are going to find on the outside, you must look within.” I call bullshit. Worst advice ever. Don’t try to pretend your bachelor psych degree means anything, you hold a camera for a living. I’m just assuming he has a psych degree, it’s that or he thinks he is qualified because his mother told him he is an old soul. Either way, shut up, you’re distracting me from watching this man’s fat roll as he breathes.

My only complaint about the show is that the host (who is officially on sui-watch) takes the guests feelings into consideration too much. If he won’t tell them, I will: If your online boyfriend (try saying that without eye rolling) won’t see you in person, it’s because he can’t physically leave his house! I know it sounds old school, but try going out in public and meet a nice real life human being by grazing your lady parts against them. It works every time. Oh, and remember, there is a difference between experimenting with drugs and being on experimental drugs. One means drug addict and the other means obese drug addict. Both red flags, I suppose.

So now we all know the secret to not getting catfished, something our mother’s taught us as children: don’t talk to strangers, and a little whisky on the gums of a crying baby has no long-term negative side effects. The last one may not apply here but it is true.

Oh, we can stop jogging now. High-five…don’t forget to line up the elbows first. Perfect. Let’s go get a few bottles of wine into us.

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