I’ve heard many stories of how women get away with not getting speeding tickets. Some women unzip their shirt a little, some play dumb and innocent, some throw out other officers names, and some even offer a quick handy. My sister has mastered the art of crying. She cries hysterically until the cop is so uncomfortable that he just leaves. Genius. Me, not so much. For some reason, whenever I’m around a cop, I go into extreme rage mode. I once got pulled over because the officer thought I looked too young to drive. I mostly get pulled over because I drive my Hyundai like I’m competing to win an F1 race. As soon as the cop approaches my window, I immediately drop a ‘what the fuck!’ and start flailing my arms around rambling about the ludicrousness of the situation and sway my head side to side like a black girl who doesn’t take no shit from no one. Then I get a ticket.
Taking this, and my love for knives, into consideration, I have accepted that one day I will be arrested. So the topic for today is; How you think you would fare in prison.
Since my five foot stature will either make me someone’s bitch or that little feisty bitch you don’t fuck with, I’ve started mastering the art of push-ups, death stares, and making shivs. Sometimes I practice my ‘what-you-lookin-at’ face to complete strangers. And not to blow up my already inflated ego, but I’m getting really fuckin good at it.
Next step, make a name for myself. I will probably be in the slammer for stabbing a cop with my car keys, so to maintain my reputation, on day one I will take out my wire retainer and off some bitty who killed her kid or something. I will then be nicknamed J-wow. It works here better.
Third step is to decide which gang to join. I can immediately rule out the white supremacist group. Besides the fact that they are all under-educated, Nazis are simply not to be relied upon. Drug addicts and prostitutes are also of no use to me. They are just helpless dependents with daddy issues, though would make good bitches. That leaves the Cheating-spouse-killers and the Hispanics. My bold day-one actions will no doubt win over the motherly instincts of both groups so when I call a meeting, they will attend. I will enlighten both sides of their similarities (being crazy) and how the partnership can be mutually beneficial, thereafter becoming the leader of the best super-group in prison history.
Fourth step- get comfortable. Pilar and I will make a vegetable garden in the yard. Destyni will win this month’s Prison-Idol. Luciana is our resident hair sytist and Lori (that cray bitch who took her husbands eyes out) will organize at least one open-mike night a week.
Talking about Mike’s, since I won’t be allowed conjugal visits, I’ll just sleep with the prison guards.
So I guess I’m all set for the big day. Wanna join me? It’s gonna be a blast.
Let’s face it, a woman’s reproductive system looks like an antelope, which is probably why I love a man who can hunt.
It’s great to see you after a couple weeks. Don’t forget to line it up! You’re getting good at this. See ya…