Who Is Mr. Boombastic?

You know the moment when you hear people keep saying ‘that awkward moment when…’ to begin a rhetorical unnecessary story and you feel like smacking a phone out of their hand, crunching it under your foot and telling them to time travel two years back when they weren’t at their most annoying? No? Well maybe it’s just me.

Destroying someone’s phone is almost the worst thing you can do to a person. Why? Cellphones are the new babies. Or at least people treat them like it. Some dress them up in gender appropriate colours so no one gets mistaken. Some like to show them off by piercing their ears and bedazzling them- those phones grow up to be strippers. Or there are the over protective cell parents that cover their love in a thick layer of safety, ensuring no harm comes to them- but when they’re not looking, that phone flashes the repair man- rebellious cunt. Or if you’re like me, you let your phone roam naked -the way it came into this world- and keep it’s self esteem low by trading it in for younger versions when it develops wrinkles.

Talking about nudity, I recently heard from my sister’s friend’s ex-boyfriend that just because two people are naked in the same room, doesn’t mean they are intercoursing. Mind. Blown.

It takes a strong man to admit when he is wrong, and an even stronger man to be able to come up with an elaborate lie while weeping like an infant. True talent. Picture this. Guy meets girl. Guy moves in with girl. Guy meets girl’s friend and fucks her in the kitchen. Oldest story in the book, I know. But there’s a twist. Guy tries to get out of it by pleading in the highest vocal pitch a man could ever reach, that it was supposed to be a joke. That his pants weren’t all the way down and there is a difference between all the way down and just a little bit down. This guy clearly misinterpreted the wisest man on earth a.k.a Shaggy. He said, To be a true player, you have to know how to play. Never admit to a word when she say, makes a claim, and you tell her- baby no way. So what he’s not literate, it is still good advice.

Even the contestant on the awful dating show Baggage, hosted by Jerry Springer, got it right. Guy chooses the girl dressed the sluttiest. (If the length of a girl’s fake nails determines her intelligence level, then this girl is a certified genius). Girl says the only deal-breaker would be if he wouldn’t wear a condom. (That is what we call setting your standards high). The guy’s baggage box opens and surprise! He refuses to wrap up the walrus but does put a shower cap over his rat-tail. (Hillbilly priorities). The guy really really wanted to bang her, so he let in the words of Shaggy and denied it. Said he only doesn’t wear one when he is in a long-term relationship, and that is something he wants to have with Laqueesha he met three and a half minutes ago. She wrapped her manicure around his neck and called it love. I shed a tear.

The only thing I would have preferred as an ending, would be white trash Tammy coming on stage with three babies on her hip saying “Don’t you be tongue-ing my baby daddy. You don’t know me!”. I guess I just miss the old Jerry. Chair throwing should be brought back into every day use.

Nevertheless, what we all take out of today’s lesson should be- thank fuck researchers from the Institute for Reproductive Medicine and Genetics in LA have found a way for women to make babies without men. Sure they would always be female genetic identicals of ourselves, but isn’t that what we all want anyways?

I shall call my clone Jesus-ica.

Quadruple High-Five! Science.

Photo 129

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