Lick My Eyeball

Breaking news: Eyeball licking is the new second base.

That’s right. For all you out there who prefer contracting red-eye over actual intercourse- your prayers have been answered.

I have to pause from my two sentence rant a moment and tell you that I am super pissed. Leave it to the Japanese to declare another one of my character traits as their own.  First the small feet thing and now face licking. Next thing you know they’ll claim jet-black hair is their thing too. Putting my slobber on my loved ones’ faces is something I’ve done for years. A standard greeting to my sister is to jump on top of her and lick the entirety of her face until I run out of saliva. Reading that back- I am now worried I may be half dog. Which would explain why I hate cats… and showering.

Back to the story of the day- Tears are the new K-Y.

Are we all really shocked that it was the Japanese who invented this new sexual technique? I mean, they don’t need to so blatantly confirm the teeny-peeny stereotype. But I guess if your tongue is longer than your ding dong (Japanese for cock- not actually, mom), then you gotta do what you can to please your partner. If she wants your lunch burrito mixed with your secretary’s slutty mouth juice washing around in her cornea, then that’s what you gotta do.

But you know who will benefit from this new sex the most? Muslims. It’s the only part exposed by a woman wearing a hijab, so it’s perfect. It’s like walking around with your vagina on display. (And who doesn’t dream of a world where we don’t ever have to wear pants?) For them, it’s easy access and airy at the same time. Anytime and anywhere she wants- she just leans forward and takes it in the eye.

But of course, like every fun thing there is to do with our body parts, eyejobbing comes with a risk. If I learned anything from not going through seventeen years of medical school, it’s that, if you run around with your vagina or eyeball hanging out in the open for anyone to stick their face-snake in, there is a chance you will get an infection.

Oh! Awesome new business idea if you guys are interested to join- tongue condoms for the giver and eyeball diaphragms for the taker. What a genius spur of the moment (been thinking about it all night) idea!

The thing that makes me most happy about this new trend is the thought of how Japanese tourists will cope. They already wear face masks everywhere. Now they will also wear eye patches for fear of contracting something else (originated from their country). I guess my question is: How will they take all those pictures of themselves in front of completely irrelevant buildings and intersections with eye patches on? At least we can sleep sound knowing their ability to make a peace sign will still be in tact. On the plus side- their blatant inconsideration for anyone around them will finally be justified. Oh look- another group of 25 Japanese tourists just standing in the middle of the sidewalk- oh wait, they’re all blind and sick- let’s just walk around them. Later I’ll google what their disease could be and donate some money to the cause. Bless their souls.

So readers, will you or won’t you choose to explore more of your sexuality and lick an eye? I hear the blue ones taste almost exactly opposite to an orgasm.

It’s nice to be back. I’m sure all 25000 25 of you missed me while I was away on a little holiday in Greece. But don’t worry- I thought of you every time an old hairy man in a thong speedo walked by.

Special shout-out to my big sis who still reads my blog posts even though she is busy saving lives in war-torn Africa building condos in Toronto. 😉  Love you

Line it up! Face lick. Everyone has their price.


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