I Washed For You

My Fiance walked in on me in the shower the other day while I was shaving my armpits. His reaction was “Ew”. Ew? What the fuck? Did you just see my naked body dripping with water- arguably the sexiest a woman could be- and said ew? If I wasn’t afraid of becoming one of those slipping-and-cracking-my-head-in-the-shower statistics, I would have kicked him in the balls. Instead, I threw the soap bottle at him. What can I say, I like throwing things- it’s the pretend Latina in me.

Thankfully, I’m with a Swede, which means no matter what- his reaction contains zero emotions- so I can pretty much do whatever I want. Sometimes I’ll go all Penelope Cruz in Blow and Vicki Christina Barcelona on him, and he will just pat me on the head and walk away, saying in a flat toned voice, ‘I love you, you crazy bitch’. It’s very difficult to fight with him.

After the ew and the throwing of the bottle, he laughed and said it wasn’t because he was repulsed by my body, it was that shaving grossed him out.

Hold on one second, I’m gonna need to sit down.

I’m not sure where to start with this one. Would he prefer I grow it out, become a hippie and change my name to Willow? Would he like me to lie and pretend I don’t grow hair in the first place and I was born without body hair altogether? Is this something I will have to hide from him and be secretive about, like pooping? Or should I go on the defense and say to him ‘well you don’t hear me ew-ing every time the echo of you clipping your nails scrapes away a piece of my love for you!’.

The real topic here is obviously feminism.

It has come to my attention that hygiene routines depend on the frequency of sex. My girlfriend for sure never shaves her legs unless a man is going to be rubbing up against them. My other friend only get’s waxed when her out-of-town boyfriend visits every other month. So it’s like her vagina bounces between decades- one month it’s the 2010s and the next it’s the 80s. And I only get out of my pj’s, brush my hair and put on make-up about 15 minutes before my fiance comes home from work. He walks through the door and he thinks, wow, she smells like rain forest flowers. It’s perfect.

The point is, women are pretty comfortable with their own filth. Other people’s filth is fuckin disgusting. But we pretty much only end up looking female when there is a guarantee the effort will get noticed.

So the next time he sees me shaving my armpits, instead of an ew, he should be saying oh-heey. And instead of throwing objects at him, I will use my words, “The grooming is for you, asshole, so you better fucking appreciate it”.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, he’s one lucky guy.

Whoever invented the lie that the raspiness from a cold made your singing voice better- is a goddamn liar. I spit my infected flem on you!

High-five…but first- line it up!

wda1420l

4 comments

  1. Being Latin I can totally relate on the throwing. The biggest thing I threw was a lamp… it was a magical moment, and the bastard deserved it. I have for the time being taken my self out of the dating game and so I will be enjoying the luxuries of not shaving and saving on razor blades 😀 Great posts, and like I always, I enjoy your feisty attitude 🙂

    1. I’ve sacrificed a few glasses and one blow-dryer to the getting-rid-of-assholes cause, but never a lamp. The double smash of base and bulb must have made sweet music. Thanks for reading, my fellow feisty blogger!

  2. I love the Latina in you hahaha You also do a great penelope. “ju fucking fagot” hahahaha

    I miss you!! Whatcha been up to other than shaving your arm pits?

    I’m madly in love and Zach hasn’t slept at home since we met. We are just simply compatible! Everything is so perfect and I’m so happy it feels like I might die any minute.

    From: Jerrica’s Jerks Reply-To: Jerrica’s Jerks Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2013 13:39:10 +0000 To: Sara Sepehri Subject: [New post] I Washed For You

    WordPress.com JerricaZeron posted: “My Fiance walked in on me in the shower the other day while I was shaving my armpits. His reaction was “Ew”. Ew? What the fuck? Did you just see my naked body dripping with water- arguably the sexiest a woman could be- and said ew? If I wasn’t afraid of b”

Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s