Month: June 2013

The Voices In My Pants

By pants, I mean in my email, on my phone, which I carry in my front pocket, because vibrate is every girls best friend.

Now that I got my first vulgar comment out of the way, let’s talk about you, and how awesome you have all been lately. I’ll mix in a little about me too, just to keep things normal.

My cover artist, Zee, embraced my schizophrenic brain and gave me four solid options for my book cover. This is a big fuckin deal because if we are all being honest with each other, since the second our parents told us not to judge a book by it’s cover, that’s exactly what we did. So according to that math, only men looking to know more about tie colours should be buying 50 Shades of Grey. Good luck to those schmucks.

But really, the cover matters almost more than the actual book, because if they don’t pick it up, it won’t get read. Simple. And thank god for Zee. This chick did such a good job that for the first time in the history of my life, I positively judged something. All four mock-ups in fact. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I did try to make out with her. Unfortunately she’s married and doesn’t feel that way about me. Can’t win them all.

So, I needed help to make a decision, and who better to ask, than friends, colleagues, faces I remember but names I forget, family members near and far and even the mysterious FB contacts who I may or may not have slept with. Who keeps track these days? You know you have those ppl on Facebook too. Why do we keep them there? I’ll tell you why- trophy’s. Like serial killers keeping hair or some shit, this generation of horny women keep Facebook trophy’s. If you’re shaking your head right now because you don’t know what I’m taking about, you’re a goddamn liar. Consider this */-/* me reality-check slapping you. In the face. It’s a statement slap. Are you back? You’re back. Okay, now go check your friend list, I bet you’ll find at least 4 vacation flings and 2 oh-shit-I-did-make-out-with-him-at-a-bar-once. It’s not like we’ll ever talk to them. They will just sit on the shelf. Shine in the glory of our youth and maybe every now and then we will glance at them with pride. It’s not crazy, it’s modern.

That got off topic quick.

Many people gave me their feedback, some valuable and some immediately disregarded, but all appreciated. After reading through everyone’s choices, I’ve realized one very important thing- all my friends are alcoholics. They see a champagne bubbled background and have to look no further. “That’s it. That’s the one. The one with the booze on it. It’s perfect. It can’t get any better. I’m thirsty. Let’s go for a drink.” And that is why I am friends with you.

A few weeks ago, my fiance promised me the last bite of his chocolate croissant, then ate it all. Right in front of my face. I’m still not over it. But as my best friend always says, the worst is the worst. You can’t argue with that.

I shall be tipping my hat to all who helped me through this crazy book cover process. You are appreciated. That was an honest ‘appreciated’ not a condescending ‘appreciated’. Okay it was both. I can’t help myself.

Check out the soon to be released book- Book cover coming soon! The finish line is so close now I could almost swallow it!

That is all, chip chip cheerio. Now I’m hungry.

Line it up, people! You’re getting super good at this.

Oh, one more thing- HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY to my sister, Zilla. Welcome to the decade where you’ll no longer be able to hold up your chin with your boobs. But don’t worry- you have a long way to go until this-boob_cartoon3