Month: August 2013

You Didn’t Look Like That Last Night

Okay I’m back. Man, jet lag hits worse than a broke pimps backhand. The only upside being: no bruises this time.

When I’m having a bad day, I think of the comedian Anthony Jeselnik. Not naked, because that would just make it worse. Instead, I just completely erase his image from my memory and focus solely on Panel. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, that just means you have better things to do, and I envy that. As weird as it sounds, creating my own versions of his panel jokes makes me laugh more than he does and suddenly my day gets a little better. Since I’m feeling a little too swedish today, let’s try it out together.

Last night’s panel was under the panel of majority. So I turned panel over and panneled him in the panel instead. After all, a panel is a panel. Can I get a pa-nell!? It’s time for panel.

That was great. I’m feeling better already.

Today’s blog- ouch ouch you’re on my hair… The times of day when sex is the last thing you want.

Since I was made by energizer bunnies, my battery life is very healthy, but there is one time of day I refuse to recharge, and that is: the morning.

I don’t even want to think about it, it stresses me out too much. I like sex to be, well, sexy. And sexy is nowhere near me at that time of day. My mouth smells like a hobo. My stomach is either bloated and gassy from the dairy I shouldn’t have eaten the night before or hollow and grumbling because I’m starving. Mascara is for sure all over the side of my head and pillow. My hair is sporting an extra-hillbilly wave and the sun in my eyes is creating a very Gilbert Gottfried expression. I’m for sure already pissy from not getting to finish the dream of Wentworth Miller turning straight for me, and now I’m gonna be fuckin late for work because you decided you were in the mood for some lazy side-spoon sex. Oh super.

I found out I wasn’t alone in this when I took to facebook inbox twitter and asked the same question to close friends strangers who all made solid points. Here are some of the top comments:

@Mybrookisopen says: Morning is a good time if I slept well.. afternoon is a good time if I’ve been peeping porn.. any time after a glass of wine works too.

Thanks B, I like how easy you are to talk to. How many of you want this chicks number? I know I would.

@Idonthatethecarrot says: I’m usually a mess before my coffee and I don’t like to be rushed. Unless it’s a weekend morning and I’m not the one making breakfast, then I’m into it.

Thank-you, carrot. I also don’t like committing to responsibilities after sex, which is why I don’t live in Texas. (For my Euro readers: abortions are illegal there)

@Monalisassluttysister says: Morning sex is Gods gift to a vagina.

Well, we can be sure that comment was from a dude.

And the winning response goes to….

@Raeisagirlsname says: Morning works for me if the guy is into necrophilia, cus I ain’t movin.

Bravo, Rae. Bravo.

That’s it for me today peeps. I’ll be back in a few days with something hopefully even more perverted. Remember to tell your man, “just because you wake up with a boner, doesn’t mean I do.”

Line it up!

Want more? Read my book!

morning sex