What I would give to be a lesbian. Ugh. Cocks.
One thing I’ve learned from reading all of your break-up stories is; men really don’t have any control of their penises. It’s like their magic stick has a mind of it’s own. It morphs into some sort of transformer-like robot, grows arms and opens the zipper to unleash itself, then grows legs to bolt at super speeds into the nearest vagina. And it’s very hard to blame the chick because, well, a vagina is helpless. For one, it’s already open. We try to wear pants and underwear to shield it, but with all the clothes being made half-ass-ly by Asian slave children, there’s no real guarantee they’re able to stop a penis from entry. It’s a serious global issue, really.
You know what would solve this problem? Eyes. If penises evolved and grew eyes, it would be able to see who they are going into and (sometimes more importantly), where. Let’s face it, men don’t have great aim. And after a couple drinks, you’d think they were blind epileptics.
And with that, I announce the blindest (ex) boyfriend of them all. Congratulations! to Teesha44 and thank you for your unforgettable, holy m*f*ckin shit that guy is stupid, story. Thank lady jesus I wasn’t in your shoes, or I’d be joining the real-life cast of Orange Is The New Black. You’re stronger than anyone I know. I hope you enjoy the comic, and please inbox me with your details at https://www.facebook.com/#!/AxingMyExes to receive your free signed copy of Axing My Exes. You deserve it!
Without further ado, please enjoy the winning break-up story and let’s all give a round of applause for technology. And tessha44.
So I was dating this guy Brad (name has been changed) for a year and a bit. We lived together. We had went out one weekend but not together. I went downtown with a good friend of mine that was here visiting me from out of town & he went to a country bar with her boyfriend and the rest of the boys. Susan and I (name has been changed) were having a great time downtown dancing the night away. I hadn’t been talking to Brad all night but I knew he had planned to stay at a friends place with the boys that night. Making sure there was room for Susan to stay at our place. Susan and I got home from the bar and not long after, Brad arrives home. I asked him why he had come home and he said he’d sleep on the couch he just didn’t want to stay out with the boys. Not thinking anything weird was up, I crawled into bed and was watching some TV. Brad asked Susan to go downstairs to get something to eat. Still not thinking anything was up, I continued to watch tv. About 20 minutes later neither Susan or Brad came back and I couldn’t hear them downstairs. I figured they had gone outside so I walked downstairs to go see what was up. I got half way down the stairs and I could hear moaning. Brad had Susan bent over in my kitchen. My friend Susan! Bent over in front of my man!! They still hadn’t noticed I was standing there. I was standing on my stairs witnessing Brad with his pants down (underwear still on) and Susan still clothed but sounding like she was enjoying it. In my very own kitchen. I stormed the rest of the way down the stairs and flipped out. Told her to get out of my house NOW. I then looked at him and just said “WTF!?” He continued to tell me it was a joke! & they did it to see how would react. I then grabbed him by the dick, which was hard as all get, and said “is this a joke too!?” I went back upstairs and he followed me. He continued to cry and throw himself around the floor like a child. Me being my clever self decided to get my phone out and record the way he was acting. He kept the crying up. And kept telling me (threw sobs and tears) “it was just a joke” the video lasted about a minute and a half with him crying and begging me “please don’t leave” I left! As quick as I could! But not before sending the video to Susan’s boyfriend and a couple of my friends to show them what had just happened. They then sent it to their friends who sent it to their friends. Before I knew it the video had reached as far as Florida. (I’m from Canada). I travel a lot with my line of work and everyone who was everyone ended up seeing this video. It traveled to so many different states. So many different provinces!! He’s now known as the guy from that sobbing video. Pretty sure I got the last laugh 🙂
Ya you did.
A big Thank-You to everyone who sent us their stories! You’re all winners for not being with those losers anymore.
And, of course, thank you to ThingsMyExSaid for your hilarious comic rendition of the story, and all your help throughout this contest. Check out more hilarious comics at http://thingsmyexsaid.com/ Because laughter heals!
High Five to all the ladies, gents, gentle-ladies, and lady-like-gents! You all rock. Having a fucking awesome weekend and don’t forget to make-out with a complete stranger. Shit’s just fun.