Month: October 2013

Watch Out For The Little Ones, They Bite

I heard someone say ‘whilst’ yesterday and thought two things instantly:
1- Did I just time travel?
2- That word should be an excusable reason to slap a stranger in the face.
Me: Sorry officer, she said whilst
Officer: Oh, totally understandable, you’re free to go.20130929_124831

So my fiance and I went on a little weekend trip to Prague. The city is beautiful and quite romantic, I highly suggest a visit.

But Czech people are dickheads. I say that because they actually all seem to hate me. In a personal and vindictive way. As if I just robbed their dead mother’s grave, waltzed into their establishment all dirty- wearing her favorite broach- and laughing in their faces. I mean, if I did that, I’d expect them to want to suffocate me with their fake leather jackets with fur on the popped collar. But in fact, all I did was sit there quietly, clenching my purse in fear of pickpocketers, and order a glass of wine. And still, they bring it over begrudgingly, looking as if they’re holding a huge wad of saliva in their mouth waiting for the perfect moment to spit on me. I almost wanted to stop them and say, “Listen. Who do you think I am? Some sort of innocent and sensitive fuckin Oklahoma girl-next-door, peach pie baking, wool scarf knitting, sissy with a cat named Ernest who I tell my secrets to? No. I’m an asshole too. You want to have a dirty looks contest? Challenge accepted. I’m French Canadian. If anyone likes to spit on people more than you, it’s us. Let’s shake hands, be friends and talk shit about the rest of the tourists together.”
None of that happened because I was too busy shoving my face with wine. Priorities.

Which brings me to today’s topic: Going East for a taste of the South.

By south I obviously mean sex. Their slogan should be: The Czech Republic, making you feel unwelcome one tourist at a time. Unless you’re looking for hookers, then we like you. We also welcome untalented street performers, fake deaf/blind/mute hustlers with no moral compasses, and Asian business men looking for brothels- wait, that’s the same as the first exception.

It’s a bit of a long slogan, but informative nonetheless.

Speaking of making people excited, we were in our hotel, on our way down to the sauna, and this older Indian man stepped onto the elevator to see us in towels and slippers. He was so confused and uncomfortable he just kept turning around in the corner as if he was trying to see if we’d still be there once he turned back, like we were a figment of his imagination. Once we did not disappear, he started touching up and down the wall, we assume, trying to find a way out. When the elevator opened he bolted out then looked back to reassure he sanity.
First of all, I’m largely insulted. How dare a stranger be so desperate to not see me naked?
Secondly,  if that guy can’t handle a little knee and shoulder action, we can comfortably assume he was definitely not in Prague for the prostitutes. What a shame. He seemed like he could use it. So tense.

It’s Wednesday, so get naked and give whatever you got a little shake and hump the shit out of this hump day. You deserve it.

915436_f260Line it up and High Five properly! Ooooh ya.