Not that you needed them, but here are the top 3
scenarios of the season where more equals thank fuck.
Work Christmas Party:
The guy at the office you’ve had a few hot nights with comes in with a smoking hot date and announces they’re engaged. After one glass you get jealous and start picking on her in your head, “She’s fake tanning for sure, and her shoes are hideous. Look at the way she’s moving her hands around when she talks. We get it, you were chased by a tiger in Australia. Big deal. I’ve been to the zoo. They aren’t so impressive.”
After three glasses you whisper to a colleague, “look at how she wears her hair so tight up in that bun, I bet she’s a lousy lay. Probably never goes on top. What a prude. I feel sorry for him.”
After four glasses you make empty yet aggressive threats in the girls washroom to a friend, “I’m going to rip those fake tits right off that hussy! How dare she take my chance at happiness away! She’s dead! I’m going to smash this glass over her perfect fucking head then cut it with the broken glass. He won’t want her then, not in the state I’ll leave her in. You just watch.”
After the sixth glass you forget who she is and why you hate her and befriend her instead, “Oh hiii, I just love that dress, where did you get it? I think we’re the same size, maybe I’ll borrow it for the next event? Oh I can try it on now? How nice of you! I have to ask, are those real? No? Wow they look so real! Oh, I can touch them? They feel real too! You’ll have to give me the name of your doctor. I feel like we’re so similar, let’s hang out tomorrow for coffee and yoga!”
Home for the holidays:
Mom starts to ask why you’re still single and attributes it to your excessive drinking and lack of standards.
After one drink you wonder if you do sleep around too much and if it’s time to settle down, maybe mom is right.
After three drinks you complain to your sister about how unfair it is that mom picks on you while you eat a whole tin of Christmas cookies.
After four drinks you explain to your dad how you don’t drink that much; only on weekends, girls nights, after bad days at work, and during The Voice, because Cee Lo’s drag outfits and dino arms are funnier that way. He laughs and it makes you feel better.
After six drinks when you’re about to stand up to your mom and make a big scene, your brother stands up and says he’s moving to Alaska to be an Ice Road Trucker. You then promise to go with him since there is no man left in this city for you.
Alone for the holidays:
Five bottles of wine to yourself is not an easy feat. So this holiday season, challenge yourself. If you make it to the last drop, you should feel pride of accomplishment. You are an ambitious achiever who can succeed at anything she puts her mind to. And when you wake up in a strangers bed, you can be 90% sure that you’ve just made a baby. Another accomplishment!
But if that stranger smells like 12-day-old meat, snow is falling from his ceilings and his bed is made of cardboard – don’t worry. There’s no shame in feeding the homeless.
I didn’t say more would solve next day issues, it’s really just an in the moment solution.
In conclusion, drunk uncle:
Line up those elbows… High Five!
Happy Holidays Everyone!
Oh- and if you’re looking to buy the best holiday gift for your girlfriend, sister or best friend – I got just the thing! My book, My Book- Axing My Exes , and a bottle of a Californian Merlot.