Month: February 2014

Your Safety By My Association

For some time now I’ve considered myself comparable to a tv show version of a covert operative. Not the real kind because they don’t survive gunshot wounds as easily. Logic.

Do I physically resemble a tv spy? Yes, definitely. Boobs- check. Face- check. Feet for running, hands for gun holding- check and mate.

Do I necessarily act spy-y? No. I don’t really like to leave the house after dark, and know zero things about hacking. Or the internet. I once forgot my twitter password so I tried to reset it, but then forgot my email password, so I just stopped using twitter and that email altogether. True story.

So I don’t have the “intelligence” or “training” to be an operative. Minor details. What I do have is delusion. (a.k.a God’s number one gift to those who believe in God).

So I signed my fiance and I up for defense training classes at our gym. Preparation=success.
I texted him,
“My new goal is to be able to
beat up a Russian assassin if
one ever shows up at our house.
So we have boxing on Tuesday.”

He responded,

That’s why I’m marrying him.

I later asked if he thinks I would make a good female 007. He said, “you’d be a good double agent.”

Whaaaaaaa’d ju jus say tu mi? Ju noe hu jur talkin tu?
(That’s my south American accent. I’m practicing for future work within the Colombian cartel)

You think I’m disloyal?!
(The wedding is clearly off at this point)

He said, “you’d give info for money, for sure”

For sure? So you think I’m a sell out?
(I’m packing my bags as we speak, and yes, I’m taking the tv, and the bed- I’ll carry it over my head super soldier strength because I’m a spy)

He said, “okay, if not for money then for brandy.”

Did you just call me a degenerate alcoholic who would sell out her own country for a good bottle of 12-year-old double distilled in oak-casks from the Charente region makes my mouth water just thinking about it kind of cognac?

Fair enough.

So maybe I’ll leave the parkour up to these ladies. I wish I could be as skilled as them.


Don’t forget to send out some positive juju to my book, Axing My Exes, this month as it has been entered for the Amazon Breakthrough Book Awards!!

Line it up! Have a great weekend – go make a baby!