If you start me up!
If you start me up I’ll never stop. Never stop. Never stop. Never stop.
(pause for dramatic effect)
Don’t make a grown man cry-y-y!
Aughh I’m really feeling it this morning. I woke up, stretched it out, did a little Michael Jackson moonwalk to the kettle, and sipped my green tea while browsing through Instagram.
Surprise, I’m not surprised. Another James Franco morning bed selfie. I am super into his laid back yet incredibly ambitious lifestyle but crusty eye puss and drool stains are just not my thing. I can’t get into it. Say something I’m giving up on you. Our one-sided love story is dissipating and I’m afraid the only thing I can do to retain my respect for him is, dum dum dum, un-follow. Single tear.
My Instagram experience started just a month ago, and now I’m an err-day-er (English translation: obsessed). So here is a top 10 list of important things to know as an Insta Rookie. Warning: Ima hashtag the shit out of this post.
10. Snoop Dog (Lion)
#Whatchutalkinbout: Everyone on Instagram knows about Snoop. He posts nonstop. An Insta wizard. I actually wonder if he bought an app for himself that takes pictures and posts automatically. Cus aint nobody got time for that. Especially if you have a wife. I’d go straight-up Colombian on my fiance if he was Instagramming all day. Phone in blender. Ya-done.
#Shockedface: Everything is about pot. Ugh, don’t comment your personal views against the subject on his posts. Go get some ink and a nice big quill and write down your outdated thoughts on a scroll then place it in a carrier pigeons mouth. Let me know when he takes off so I can pay a hillbilly to shoot it down. #sorryPETA
9. What Are You Doing In My House?
#Whatchutalkinbout: The people you follow are going to be on your ‘home timeline’. In your face on every scroll, so make sure you want them there. Don’t worry, the breakup is a lot easier than splitting half your shit. Just unfollow.
#Shockedface: James Franco is entertaining but bordering on creep central. His posts are filled with hundreds of teen and desperate divorcee comments asking him to follow them and telling him how sexy he is. It’s not only annoying, it’s uncomfortable. But he’s a hit. With nearly 2 million followers, he’s gotta be doing something right. Spring Breakers must have been it. (wink)
8. Shut Your Mouth When You’re Talking To Me
#Whatchutalkinbout: If you see an awesome picture, tell them it’s wicked! Hashtags will bring attention to their post and positivity attracts positivity. They see when you ‘like’ their photo and may even browse your account and ‘like’ or ‘follow’ your stuff. Stick to posts and accounts similar to yours to generate common interest follows.
#Shockedface: If you think Amy Schumer needs to stop posting pictures of her manager because you feel like it’s killing your sex drive, just know you’re not alone. Hilarious chick- hideous photographer & Instagramer. I know, ‘suck it’. Thanks Amy.
7. Wear Me Out
#Whatchutalkinbout: Fashion, fashion and more fashion. Great for ideas, awful for shopping. I found a super profile for petite chick clothes with a soft-rocker vibe and got excited. But then it was just pics taken from the internet to create an ‘inspire’ type insta account with no links to the clothing-line websites. Like, f-off with your fake shit. It makes me so mad to know something exists but I’m never able to find it. That’s what he said. Good one. Self high-five. No need for #Shockedface. Already nailed it.
6. Don’t Be “That Guy”
#Whatchutalkinbout: Loads of people post comments on pictures that say, FWF or LFL. It means follow for follow or like for like. Basically a tactic to get more followers, but it’s really annoying when the person who does it has an absolutely unrelated page. Know your audience.
#Shockedface: I saw a guy post “FWF?” on a vintage clothing account and her response was “Fat Women Fuck?”. Ha! Best ever.
#5 Put It In My Face
#Whatchutalkinbout: If your account is for food you create and healthy options displayed nicely to inspire others, you’re gonna be an instant fucking hit. Food pics are the shit on Instagram. They’re colourful and creative and you start to wish some genius kid would invent technology that allows us to materialize these delicious things to life already! Check out @healthylivingaus and @gosweetandskinny for great food teasers.
#Shockedface: Quit giving me blue ovaries (female version of blue balls? Change approved) and feed me already.
4. Hashtag Your Life Away
#Whatchutalkinbout: Hashtags are a way for you to get into the community. It allows other people to find your posts and for you to find other goodies. Over hashtagging can be hard on the eyes, put it in the comment section of your own post if you want to go nuts.
#Shockedface: The top used hastags on Instagram are: #love, #instagood, #me, #cute, #follow, #photooftheday, and get ready for this shocker….#selfie.
3. I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours
#Whatchutalkinbout: Don’t take your pictures from too far away, I don’t have ant vision. (Not sure if ants have good vision.) One of my eyes is half the size of my phone so make sure whatever you’re capturing is not at a distance. Zoom that shit in. And brighten it up. Make sure it is clear too, no blurry fuck-ups. I sound like an 80 year-old. Only 53 years away.
#Shockedface: Selfies are close-ups, and they’re insanely popular. But really, how many angles of your face can you really have? I’ve seen it from one side, the other, with your one eyebrow lifted, with the other eye winking, with both your eyes opened wide, and with your lips puckered. I can officially never sleep again without seeing your face. Appreciate that. (sarcasm)
2. Tell Me Something
#Whatchutalkinbout: That’s what my friend and I used to say to our dogs when they gave us a face but didn’t know why. Translation: tell us something with your account. Are you a foodie? Are you a workout nut? Are you there to inspire others? Are you there to sell something- clothes, shoes, your photography, your book and healthy lifestyle (cough cough), or yourself (model, actress, singer, writer, producer)? Say something with your Instagram and make it count- it’s a powerful place!
#Shockedface: Don’t show me feet pictures. I can’t deal with them. Gew, ugh, body shiver. The fact that you were barefoot in the sand makes me never want to touch sand again.
1. Put It Away, Yo
#Whatchutalkinbout: Stop getting 90% naked on Instagram. That’s what SnapChat is for, people. I’m not a prude or a jealous lonely cat lady. I am just not interested in your pubes. I’m all about Insta for health and workout inspiration, so show me those abs and arms and marathon running pictures. But if you’re in the changeroom after gettin-that-pump, keep some veins to yourself. Or send them to a nice virgin girl like normal people.
#Shockedface: I saw this account where someone put a nearly nude shot as her profile pic and she had 1500 followers. And zero posts. Zero.
Follow this advice and you’ll become an #InstaPro in no time. My 88 followers all agree. 😉 I’ll get there…with my top on!
Okay, half off.
Okay, side boob only.
Okay, nip slip, then, but that’s it!
Okay, fine, full frontal. You’re a stone-cold negotiator. I respect that.
I can’t get no. Da da dum. Sa-tis-fac-tion.
It’s a Rolling Stones kind of day. Get into it.
High-five people! Line those elbows up! Solid.