It’s Friday and you just know at some point this weekend some smelly creepo is going to try and ruin your girls night.
I’m here to help.
There is of course multi levels of creep.
Level 1: Perv Alert- The guy that slightly grazes his package against you on the dance floor… to get our attention or to confirm he still has feeling in that general area? We’ll never know.
Level 2: The drunk guy approach, where he leans so close into your space that you have to move back, narrowly avoiding the dripping of his fat-guy-sweat on your best dress. Worst.
Level 3: The Smooth Rider. He is persistent and won’t leave without a kiss so he reaches towards your face with his sticky sperm covered hands. Block it, block it! Eeuuhh = my fear shiver.
No matter which category he falls into, I got your back ladies. When they pull out all the stops to get your attention, knock them face down with these 20 Man-Blocking Techniques. You’re Welcome 😉
1. I Just Wanna Dance
Move: Kindly tell the interested gent that you are there to dance with your girlfriends.
Tip: Lead with this, but not if the dude is already wasted, a more aggressive approach is needed for them.
Success Rate: 15% It doesn’t really matter to most guys, the select few who do respect this rule are actually the ones you should probably date. But not tonight. Tonight you dance.
2. The Duck, Duck, Goose
Move: Switch spots with one of your friends, if he keeps moving close to you, keep switching.
Tip: No eye contact. He’ll eventually get the hint.
Success Rate: 75% There’s always a chance he’s faster than you, in which case, you’ll need to add the #11.
3. The Danger Zone
Move: Aggressive dance movements warns them to steer clear of you and your pack.
Tip: Use your whole body, low kicks are your secret weapon. This works best with hip-hop or reggae music.
Success Rate: 80% He is guaranteed not to be into you, but if you leave gaps, he might be able to get in on one of your friends.
4. The Oedipus Complex
Move: Grab whoever looks most like you out of your friends and say it’s your sister, then kiss her on the mouth.
Tip: Make it sexual and hopefully he thinks of his own sister, then barfs, hopefully not on you.
Success Rate: 66% 1 out of 3 times the sick prick will be into it.
5. The Nerd Alert
Move: Geek out. Do the sprinkler, the robot, the lawnmower and the shopping cart – in sequence, then repeat.
Tip: If you’re really committed, the hammer dance clears all kinds of space and he’ll be Out. Of. There.
Success Rate: 90% This will work as long as you keep it up. Bonus is that it’s fun as hell, and it’s girls night, so let loose!
6. The Aunt Flo
Move: If a guy comes too close, shout to your girlfriend ‘do you have an extra tampon?’ then go to the washroom.
Tip: Make sure he heard you, then move out of sight.
Success Rate: 75% Some guys who hunt, don’t actually mind. To each his own. I ain’t gonna judge.
7. The Deep Voice
Move: Respond to his approach with a super deep “are you talking to me?”…watch him run.
Tip: Try not to laugh. He’ll be so confused that he may linger for a second undoubtedly questioning his vision. Then he will go.
Success Rate: 75% This move depends on you. Don’t let me down.
8. The Taken
Move: In honor of Liam Neeson, grab the guy by his collar and aggressively ask him where your daughter is.
Tip: Stick with the character- chances are the guy will think you’re crazy or insane and not want anything to do with you.
Success Rate: 80% There is a slight chance the dude grabs your hand before you get to his collar, at that point turn it into a wave to an imaginary friend and go get a drink.
9. The Taken II
Move: Flash your wedding/engagement ring. Or a ring you’ve strategically placed on that finger, real or not.
Tip: Really sell your happiness. If there is any doubt in your face, he’ll see, and make it his point to bring you home and change your mind.
Success Rate: 45% Sad but true. Guys don’t really seem to care about rings anymore. Stand your ground- he’s a douchebag.
10. The Taken III
Move: Combine I and II but this time your partner is missing and of the same sex. He’ll be at a loss for words and leave.
Tip: The more panic in your voice the better. “Where is my wife, did you hit on her? I’ll kill you.”
Success Rate: 99% That’s far too much crazy for any man to deal with, he’ll steer clear of your whole group for the rest of the night.
11. The Turkey
Move: Elbows up. Get those bony things in the air and wave them around, preferably in the direction of his head.
Tip: If he gets too close, hit him.
Success Rate: 68% He’s gone for now, but he’ll be back. Combine this with #2 and you’ve got a 100% block strategy.
12. Sorry I’m Not Sorry
Move: Straight up bitch time. Shake your head and give him a disgusted look and maybe even a ya right laugh.
Tip: This is an ‘if looks could kill moment’ if they don’t, you can always insult him. ‘Go away you gross pig’ is a strong lead.
Success Rate: 90% It’s not nice, but works. You do risk a 10% chance of getting stabbed if at a ghetto or biker bar, though.
13. The Toddler
Move: When he gets close, your girlfriend taps him on the shoulder and tells him you’re underage and just here for her bday.
Tip: Know your audience. Don’t say that in front of anyone who may be staff.
Success Rate: 100% I would hope. But more like 55%- if she looks old enough to get into a bar, she’s old enough for most dudes.
Move: Keep taking pictures of yourself and your girls.
Tip: If he asks to take the photo for you, respond, ‘ew who does that anymore…selfie!’ He’ll think you’re too narcissistic and move on.
Success Rate: 40% Most guys will wait.
15. The T-Rex
Move: Also known as the Cee-Lo. Get those dino arms out and turn him right off.
Tip: If the arms aren’t enough, give out a growl or two. A good Rwwrraaarrr sends them away every time.
Success Rate: 75% This doesn’t work if you’re at a hipster bar. They’ll think you’re being ironic and fall in love with you.
16. The Wink Wink
Move: Reverse block. Catch a guy’s attention and slip him your number. Tell him to call you, but tonight is just for the girls.
Tip: For the ones you’re actually attracted to. Just cus it’s girls night, doesn’t mean you can’t see him again.
Success Rate: 66% If he respects your space but shoots the occasional smile throughout the night and calls in a couple days, he’s a good guy, go out with him.
17. The Huddle
Move: Gather in together leaving no space in between, when the coast is clear, break.
Tip: If it works for concussed football players, it can work for us.
Success Rate: 25% Chances are they’ll just stick around to stare at your asses.
18. The Jerk-a-Special
Move: High five him like a bro and comment on all the fine ass bitties around, even pointing some out, then give him a head nod and push him in that direction.
Tip: The less physical contact, the better. If you nudge him friendly with your hip, he’ll instantly think of sex.
Success Rate: 75% One time a guy came back after hitting on chicks all night and asked for my number… The Taken II solved that.
19. The Beyoncé
Move: Wave that ringless hand in the air!
Tip: Sing it like you mean it and give him eye contact. He’ll be so afraid you’ve already started naming your future babies, he’ll move on to someone less commitment focused, like a #selfie girl.
Success Rate: 75% Because some guys actually go to bars to meet ‘the one’. Ha. 90% success rate.
20. The Sleeping Beauty
Move: Bring a sewing needle and if they get close enough, prick them!
Tip: Don’t be obvious, it may count as assault.
Success Rate: 100% If he thinks you’re stabbing him, he will stay very, very, far away!
Well ladies, there you have it. Don’t get down on yourself if it doesn’t work the first time, practice makes perfect.
Have an awesome Friday, and weekend party people!
High Five!! Line those elbows up! You’re so good to me.
One last thing- CONGRATS to one of my favorite people in the whole world on her upcoming marriage this week. You found one of the good ones- thank fuck! So happy for you love. Cheers to you two!