Oh Canada! Our home and native land! … With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North strong and free!
Ahh it feels good to be a Canadian.
I mean, the stereotypes are “being nice”, “apologetic”, “considerate”, and “say ‘about‘ funny”.
Let me ask you this, rest of the world, is that the best you got?!
Well, that settles that then. Let’s celebrate the shit out of Canada for being a fuckin awesome country!
But wait. Let’s finish the Anthem. Oh Canada! We stand on guaaarrddd…..fooooorrrrr…..theeeeee-eeee-eee!
For the last couple years I’ve disgraced my family, friends, country, and myself, by being in Sweden for Canada Day. In my defense, I was never taught my Lefts and Rights and still have a hard time figuring out which hand makes the ‘R’, so when I started traveling I just went North. I was a little off, but I’ll find my way back.
As a consolation, I’ll show you 5 things you get to enjoy today that I, and every person outside of the Red and White, do not. So don’t take it for granted you laid back beaver lovers, hop on your moose and look around, past all the igloos and snow shoes, and recognize how lucky you are!
#1 Being At A Cottage!
It’s not a vacation day here so all of your pictures of a beautiful cottage background is making me really red zone right now. I want to be at a cottage with my family and friends and drink endless amounts of gin and tonic and whisky while playing a round, or 17, of beer pong until I can no longer see what shape the cups form, then head to a live band and blackout only to hear the story from your friend the next day about you getting up on stage and singing with the band! Even if none of that last part would happen, and by last part I mean everything after the word ‘drink’.
No one knows why you’re talking about Canada so much today. Not to mention what the fuck a beaver tail is. And why in the world would you be craving one of them? Or try describing poutines in a way that makes them sound appetizing or like real food. “Well there’s fries, then smothered in gravy, then this waxy cheese curd stuff on top” So it’s fries and gravy? No win situation.
#3 Tim Hortons
All I want at this very moment is to eat an endless number of those tiny donut batter balls we call Timbits and enjoy every last one without having to feel guilty about eating a whole donut because no matter what facts you throw at me, no amount of timbits will ever equal one whole fatty donut in my mind. And that’s that!
#4 Day Drinking!
It’s not so acceptable when it’s a regular work day. Shame. But if I were home and 16 again, I would be poppin those Smirnoff Vodka coolers all day, then throw up a little later on, then continue with the fizzy sugary goodness! If I was home and 22 again, I’d be buying the cheapest wine a liquor store could sell, red only, and drink it all day – maybe with an ice-cube in it if the weather is nice – then eat hardly anything for dinner because my belly is currently stuffed with grapes. A-thank-you. And if I was home and at my current age of 27, I’d be opening one cider around 3pm and sip it until dinner at 6 then maybe have a glass of wine at dinner then feel like I ate too much so I’ll have a whisky after as a digestiv then maybe have a glass of Crown Royal and ice and sip on that until bed at midnight. Wow I have gotten way cooler with age.
#5 Shit-talking American Friends
Listen United States of America, you started it. With the Blame Canada! Blame Canada! And all the Canadians being deported back to the North crap. For this one day (and pretty much every party you’re at with us) we’re going to explain in essay format, all the reasons why Canada is better than America. Let me rhyme off a few; Healthcare, crime rates, gun laws, job opportunities, how some of your northern states are geographically more north than Toronto is, so suck it with your igloo bullshit. Sorry, that got nasty quick. My bad, we’re good right? Good. Let’s hug it out.
Canada! I love and miss you every day!
High five to all my friends back home and some away who know exactly what I’m talkin about!
Line it up, yo!