Month: November 2014

Mommy Got Back

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face
Little in the middle but she got much back

Wree Wrey, wree wrey

(That’s my dj scratch noise)

From musicians, actresses, figure skaters, my 21-yr-old sister, and sex-tape stars, I am feeling a lot of societal pressure lately to get ass implants in order to feel like a woman again. (Oohhh is that how ladies felt about shoulder pads in the 80s? Makes sense now).

We all know what I’m talking about; bowling pins.

No?

Then what else is hollow, heavy-bottomed and looks like the reflection in a fun-house mirror?fun-house-mirror

If you don’t know, then I suggest you come out from under that rock. I know it’s cozy in there, and a perfect place for girl time. Filled with Tiger Woods’ exes, A-rods hookers and Amish women. But it’s getting crowded under there, so I also decided to come out of hiding, and when I did – this is what I was hit with. Wait, watch out, it’s coming straight for your face!

You guessed it! Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Hggyyaaauuaaiii?? kim-kardashian-paper-cover

(That’s my Kanye impression. The ‘g’ is silent)

Don’t worry people, she’s not doing this cover for attention, she’s doing it for a charity to save Rhino’s in Africa. She thinks they’re so cute with their big be-hind’s but they have a lot of work to do on their core. It’s just not aesthetically pleasing to her, so all proceeds go to providing proper diet plans for Rhinoceroses of all kind. She doesn’t discriminate.

‘Let’s break the internet, tee hee, hay hee, kee hee, he!’

(That’s my Armenian penguin impression)

I’m really nailing these impressions today. Self-high-five.

We do have to acknowledge that although these celebrities are using their bodies to get attention, they are also sending girls all over the world a very important message: love thyself as you are made in God’s image. No wait, that’s what the blind homeless guy said to me when I asked him how old he thought I looked. I changed face creams and wanted an unbiased opinion. Turned out he was drunk so it didn’t matter.

In fact, there are many female celebrities giving our youth of today very important and self-assuring messages. For example:
Meghan Trainer teaches us in her new hit song ‘Lips are Movin‘ that fat girls really do give the best head.

Nicki Minaj teaches us to “fuck those skinny bitches, fuck those skinny bitches in the club, fuck you if you skinny, bitches, what.” Translate to: Fuck skinny bitches.

Kim Kardashian teaches us that you can love your body, and people will still practice self-love to your pictures, even if you’re 5’1, covered in oil, and are filled with enough silicone to be clinically deemed a doll.

Inspiring stuff ladies.

Am I right?

That’s right! I’m back! All I needed was ass in the face. As my father always says, Hyeftahalla.
Have a great weekend errbody!!!

Line those elbows up, we’re gonna nail this one. Boom!

All mention of Kim’s charity work was not true, but entirely plausible.

High five yo!