Break Ups

St. Patty’s Day- The White Girl’s Caribana

Extra, Extra, Read all about it! White girl’s are getting super wasted and opening their legs to any guy with an accent today! Get on it while you can, because they’re going back to black tomorrow.

Truth Bomb.

Do you have as much of an insatiable thirst for Colin Farrell circa 2002 as I do?  If not, you need to re-watch Phone Booth. (Hater’s gonna hate, but a guy who can make a movie famous as awful as it was… Impressed)

So St. Patrick’s day is celebrated here (in Toronto) with four leafed clovers, everyone wearing green, mardi gras beads for whatever reason, leprechaun hats and loads of drunk waste cases. The celebration starts at about 11am and ends near the third round of make-outs. Ya, that’s the limit. Two is okay. Maybe the first one left early to hit up another bar and the second came in later. No drama involved. The third equals girl fights because by that point, every girl in the bar knows and is automatic friends with each other- blame the smokers corner. So now you’re fucked. Girl two comes to you and says, “did you really just kiss Alessa (slutty girls name) while I was in the washroom?” And you’re response is “I dunno what you’re talking about”, then Alessa approaches with, “Stop talking to my man!” and before you know it, you’ve been junk punched. Result is blue balls, either way.

If you’re at the bar in which filmed the movie Boondock Saints. Respect. If you’re at any other bar – you’re looking to hook-up.

The top three hook-up moves for St. Patrik’s Day are:

1. Kiss Me I’m IrishHappySai-2

This occurs when you’re a red-head, have freckles, have pale skin, or wear anything green. You approach any guy in the bar without a ring tan and say the line. It works every time.

2. Let Me Put These Beads On You

This move takes about two to three  Jäger-bombs, two hard liquor shots with another four or five beers in you. Putting it bluntly- it takes balls. And intention. No one gets that prepared without the motivation to bang.

3. You’re a Ginger You Must Be Irish

After all those shots, every guy with a ging tinj is Irish. As controversial as it sounds, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, and English blend at this point. You don’t care about their religious and political fueds, to you, it’s all green. No flattery necessary, just free booze at this point will get you laid.

Quote from a girl next to me at the bar:

“This girl and I are bad news. When we are together we like to show our vaginas and shit.”

High Five Yo

That’s what I’m talkin about.