broad city

This Season On (Top Of) The Bachelor

Spoiler Alert: Juan Pablo is secretly sleeping with all the male camera men. Just kidding. I wish I wasn’t.

This show is fuckin nuts. But I gotta be honest with ya- I’m into it.

No I’m not a single desperado sitting at home petting my cat (or other word for) and hoping to one day be asked to accept a rose (as if that’s a sign of chivalry anymore). Seriously though, rose-giving being romantic has been ruined years ago by street vendors. We’ve all experienced that creepy foreign old man in a leather jacket who walks around downtown with a bucket of roses and tries to coerce men into buying one for their lady; flower for the beauty, yes? You love, yes? You want beautiful? No? Okay Okay. Under his breath he’s saying in a New York accent fuck you, you cheap prick.

indexBut I am a sucker for comedy, foreign accents, girls with job titles like Dog Lover and Free Spirit, uncomfortable moments, and watching people awkwardly kiss (this is a picture of me when the show is on- not really, it’s Fred Armisen, but close). This season of The Bachelor gives us all that and more. The more part is named Charlene. She is so dull and pretentious you constantly question if she is human or robot . She calls him Sir. He’s a narcissistic Venezuelan ex soccer player who knows almost five words in English- he’s not a Sir. He’s a Papi.

Do I think The Bachelor is a good platform to find a life partner? Oh hell no.
Do I think it’s entertaining to see what girls will put up with for a little tv time? Um ya.

Let’s play a little game I like to call Bachelor Reaction vs Real Life Reaction. Ready, set, go.

Getting caught kissing another bitty in front of the girl you’re dating:
Bachelor Reaction: “Oh look- he’s kissing Claire. They’re always kissing. It’s like we’re on a JuanP and Claire one-on-one date. Ew.”
Real Life Reaction: “What the fuck! You know what, keep your tongue in that slut’s mouth. I don’t want it anymore. Enjoy your herpes. Don’t ever call me again.” Followed by a five minute cry in bed, a bottle of wine, swear off guys permanently, then go out with the girls.

The guy you’re dating saying having sex with you was a mistake and shouldn’t have happened:
Bachelor Reaction: “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to disrespect your daughter, I just wanted to swim, that’s all” Cue crying when cameras are on.
Real Life Reaction: “What the fuck! You’re a piece of shit man-whore. You don’t have to worry, you’ll never get this again. Goodbye jackass.” Followed by a 10 minute cry, two bottles of wine, swear off sex permanently, then go out with the girls.

The things this guy has been getting away with is nothing short of genius. I gotta give it to him- I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

But in comparison, dating in real life is not any easier. The Bachelor is like a televised EHarmony.  Besides the exotic locale and actually knowing who else he’s ‘seeing’- it’s basically the same. You’ve been matched with a guy who you don’t really know anything about, small talk in between lip locks and boom three weeks has passed. You still don’t know anything about him other than what he does for a living and maybe if his parents are alive. But maybe not. You’ve had shallower relationships than that, admit it. Are you proud of them? You should be. If every single guy you go on a date with ends up in a meaningful long lasting relationship, then chances are you’re only dating hand held machines that go bzzzzzz.

The girls from Broad City know what I mean…

In conclusion, douchebags are garbage, don’t keep them around – that’s gross.

Line it up yo!