I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can…
Corey Hart. This post is dedicated to you. You made compelling reasons why sunglasses inside a club is necessary, but all I heard was: Never walk up to a guy with shades on at night because he’s definitely on a ton of chemical drugs and will go into an immediate seizure if he is exposed to light. Real life Weekend At Bernie’s? I’d actually love to see that. Morbid.
Well ladies, it’s getting to that time of year. The snow is melting, the sun is coming out, the flowers are blooming and your insides are eager for mating season. I know. It’s been a long winter. So to help you with your bed-partner selection, I’ve decided to share my long running theory on how you can tell what kind of guy he is, by the sunglasses he wears.
Are they stylish? Expensive? Vintage? Do they have a neck string attached? HA! I hope so. Because I wanna be friends with that socially awkward nerd. He could also not be a guy at all, but a practical thinking masculine female. Either way, let’s hang and get both of you out of that closet, it’s so much brighter out here!
Owner: Every tall hot guy ever made. These trendy guys are old school and like to stick to what they know is good. He owns a dog. He has a solid job and nice apartment, and takes pride in having it always clean. He is sometimes too cool for certain things but people put up with it because he’s the leader.
Dating Him: He will keep it simple, dinner and drinks at a nice Asian Fusion place then surprise you by asking to go to a club or dancing. You’re all in at this point. And your legs over your head later will prove it. Good for you, he’s a stud.
What He’s Hiding: He smokes. Deal with it.
Owner: Short guys. It’s true, these lightly tinted aviators look best on someone you’re looking eye-level at. Usually beige or brown with a thin gold rim, the owner isn’t messing around. He may be short but he is GQ. He has a large group of friends, both guys and girls, from his prestigious University and is highly respected. He has class and style and is also a good listener.
Dating Him: First date will be a gallery showing for his artist friend, then overpriced drinks at a rooftop bar. He likes the finer things in life and will be happy to take you for the ride if you’re willing to get breast implants. Compromise.
What He’s Hiding: He lost his virginity to his 57-year-old tennis instructor. She knew things no one else has.
Owner: The trendy cool guy. He likes to look good so he also has a trendy hairstyle, is up to date with social media outlets and has a favorite blog he reads. In life, he just wants to have fun. He’s young-at-heart, cares about global issues and is smarter than you think. But this handsome dude get’s around, so be careful you’re not getting played.
Dating Him: He’ll take you somewhere he can wear them, like a market or fair, then maybe a concert and straight home to see what you look like without clothes on. He’s a bit of a player but you can’t help being into him.
What He’s Hiding: The clap. Curable.
Owner: Used to be the intellectual introverted types, but is now for hipsters to pull-off the Elton John or John Lennon throwback. He is silly, confident, fashionable, and on a trendy diet like paleo or is vegan. He has an impressive shelf of iconic novels in perfect condition and is a great cook.
Dating Him: He’s skinnier than you, so he makes you immediately feel like you need to join his diet. And you do. You soon start a herb and vegetable garden, bake your own sprouted grain spelt loaves and borrow each others pants.
What He’s Hiding: His collection of women’s high heels.
The Batman Sport
Owner: Athletes excluded. The second type who wears these are the socially awkward comicon lovers. He is very possibly a virgin. He participates in medieval reenactments, is a wiz at virtual life computer games, can cook up a very impressive mac&cheese and wears matching shirt and pant pajamas.
Dating Him: Where to start? It would be like holding a baby’s hand and helping it to walk for the first time. It requires a woman with patience and no other sexual options.
What He’s Hiding: He’s already married to Hirishu, his Japanese Anime doll.
The Reflective Sport Guy
Owner: The adventure type (if you meet him on a boat or the slopes). If you meet him on the street and he’s wearing these, his shades broke and borrowed his roommates’- forget that guy. Back to the boat babe. He is a risk taker. Has a long list of the impressive physical feats he’s accomplished- climbing mountains, heli-skiing, wakeboard pro, and maybe even an Olympic medal or two.
Dating Him: Catch him if you can. However he got it, he has money and he likes to enjoy it -but not in one spot. He’s likely to be a solo rider for his whole life, enjoying his friends’ kids every so often, then off to shark dive. If you find a committed one, he will be a roller coaster of fun in your life. Congrats.
What He’s Hiding: Undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. Manageable.
Owner: Kanye West because he’s above having obstacle-free vision, drunk people at Coachella because it’s funny, ‘that guy’ at beach parties who picks up chicks by making you try them on, and now you’re his boo.
Dating Him: What’s his name again? That guy you made out with at that summer thing with the water in the background, or was it music? Man you were wasted. That was a fun ass day. He was cute right?
What He’s Hiding: His real age. He’s 17.
The Square, Thick Rim
Owner: The under 25. And that’s fine, because he’s gonna grow up to be a really good dude because of the solid parenting he had. Not too much of a show-off but still aware of his good sense of style. He doesn’t need to go full trendy with Wayfarers because he’s confident enough being a little out of the ‘in crowd’.
Dating Him: He doesn’t have a lot of money now, but he has a lot of potential and a good investment if you’re in his age range. His sisters will coach him to treat you well. Take you to concerts, fun and decently-priced restaurants, and buy you lingerie for VDay.
What He’s Hiding: He refuses to wear condoms. Uh-oh…
The Square, Thin Rim
Owner: You’re successful. But not the douche numbers guy, the sophisticated respectable businessman. You don’t need to be wearing the newest trend like lower-level life-starters. You are senior and you stand out as just that. The thin, maybe Prada, rim goes well with your sharp suit, nice jeans and a shirt, and your BMW.
Dating Him: Check for ring tans. On the off-chance he’s single, you’re guaranteed to be wined and dined. Third date will be a home-cooked meal at his minimalistic city loft. Dessert will be experienced and pleasureful love-making.
What He’s Hiding: Whips. For you to use them on him.
The Rectangle & The Rimless
Owner: These are paired together because they belong to one distinct fellow. The Dad. Ray-Ban, Oakley or Maui Jim’s, that aren’t cheap. They say ‘I’m a hard-worker and I still like to look good‘. Respect.
Dating Him: He’s definitely wifed-up, but if the first one didn’t work out and you have daddy issues, he’s perfect for you. Until, of course, when you sleep with his son. Then you’re back to the trailer park.
What He’s Hiding: His mid-life crisis Harley Davidson he keeps in storage.
Owner: Excluding kids and costume parties, of course. If you see a guy with an American or British flag on the lens, guitars sticking up each end, or 3D flames fanned across the sides… run! He just turned 40 and wants to keep up the ‘young’ look because he never really grew up. He still lives in his parent’s basement and they pay for his premium porn subscription.
Dating Him: Don’t. Ick. But if you must, make sure you’re standards are very low. He will never buy you anything and your dinners will be at fast-ish food places. You’ll move into the basement with him and work for the rest of your life trying to clean up his act. His mother hates you.
What He’s Hiding: An illegitimate kid named Roonie that he doesn’t have custody of, mothered by his cousin Patty.
Owner: The entire Jersey Shore cast. This kind of guy spends more time protein shaking and flexing in front of the mirror (naked), clubbing, tanning (without socks), memorizing Scarface quotes and fooling himself with a dance music career he’ll never have – than caring about having a job or girlfriend with brain cells. ‘Uh, Where’s the camera? Is it up there?’
Dating Him: Does going to the gym count as a date?
What He’s Hiding: Tiny balls. And Channing Tatum posters in his closet.
And always remember: Don’t switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh-no.
Have an awesome weekend! High-Five from Sweden!!