It’s Grape Juice, I Swear.

My mother thinks all my posts sound like I’m drunk. Well mother, the joke’s on you! (That saying doesn’t apply here but I love it, so I will try to justify it).

The joke is on you because I am always a little drunk.

Yep, I’m gonna roll with this.

It’s quite impossible not to be tipsy when you replace all meals with booze. But don’t worry- I’m being healthy- you can find almost all food groups in my liquor cabinet. Fruit- wine. Grains- whiskey. Herbs- gin. Dairy- Bailey’s. Meat- tequila. Well, the worm at the bottom is. And Vodka is a starch and a vegetable all at the same time (which solves the mystery as to how Chelsea Handler is still alive). So take-that, Mom!

Okay, so I was never interested in becoming captain of the debate team. I was more focused on sleeping with captains of non-nerdy teams. Like marching band. Mmmm Mmmm the way he used those sticks on that drum. Oh, Marvin.

Talking about sticks- I would like to discuss a current event today. It’s time I make this blog a little more educational.

Four days ago in the south of Sweden, a man died after having sex with a hornet’s nest. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, he did finish before dying.

The autopsy of the man’s body allegedly showed semen on some of the dead hornet’s. On top of that beauty of an image, a number of his pubic hairs and all ten fingerprints were also found on the nest, confirming he used both hands while entering the love dome.

The man was discovered by his neighbour, (whose name in Swedish translates to ‘erection’ in English). Mr. Erection told the media that before realizing it was a body, he thought his neighbour was a whale. “The penis and balls were so swollen from the stings you could barely identify them.”  A psychologist and expert on sex fantasies would like to warn us that “To attempt to have intercourse with a hornet’s nest is a very bad idea”. Thank-you, doctor, those 15 years of study were well worth it.

Not that walking purely for leisure or having a national holiday dedicated to dancing around a fertility pole with ovaries on it- didn’t already give it away- but Swedish people are officially the weirdest of them all. The Dutch excluded- they’re in a league of their own.

But alas, the story of the century turned out not to be true at all. A hoax that disappointed and shocked the entire nation. Who would lie about such a hilarious thing? (An awesome person who will be my next best friend). And who would believe such a story and publish it for the whole world to see? The answer is; an idiot, or possibly someone from The Soup, Tosh.O, the Anthony Jeselnik Offensive, and then of course there is the guy from Swedish News, and, well, me.

My mother isn’t the only hater out there. There are more. My brother thinks I’m too vulgar and a pastor once told me he is scared of me- true story. Those two I’m kind of proud of. But the point is- no matter how many things are said about me, I can always go to sleep happy, knowing that at least I’m not attracted to hornets.

Whales vagina.

Don’t forget to check out my book, coming soon!     

Line it up! Two times! Oh heeeyyy.