Kanye West

Don’t Giggle, It Makes Me Feel Like Less Of A Man – Dating In The 21st Century

I’ve been thinking about what attracts someone to another. Is it looks- Abs? Boobs? Lips? Hips? Similar features to your father? or is it Personality- Funny? Serious? Smart? Kind? Acts like your mother? I’ve dated guys that fit into every category above, even the boobs one. You know who you are. It’s a weird world out there, people. Get into it.

These random strings of thought started when I saw a smoking hot dude; tall, blond, blue eyes, chiseled jaw, aviator sunglasses folded pulling down on the top button of his plaid shirt showing the world his golden hairless chest… with a complete dud of a girlfriend whom he was all over. It was revolting. Well, the grossness bar was set really high by the new Kim and Kanye music video, but let’s just say it was equally wrong. He was kissing her neck (at a grocery store) and all I could think was, did he eskimopick up this dirty hobo on the side of the road and bring her here to get a warm meal from the prepared food counter and fall in love with her en route? Because there is no possible way a chick with any sort of dignity would let herself look like a dead seal even eskimos wouldn’t chew on, in public, when her man is clearly on the cover of Out Of Your League Magazine.

That’s right, for the first time in my life, I’ve judged someone I didn’t know. Cough cough, bullshit. What’s that? I can’t cover up a word with a cough in written form? Meh.

That mild rant aside, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen- hot guy, shit ugly girl or hot chick, slobby crust of dried kraft dinner cheese on side of his mouth guy. It’s truly a phenomenon. And the only logical explanation I could come up with is, Sex. (Well, money, but whoever has the money expects the other to have sex with them, so sex it is).

So today’s blog topic is: Who would you have sex with, dead and alive? This will determine whether “chemistry”, “attraction” or “common interests” really exist in choosing a mate.

I went to the streets a friends house and asked some strangers people I know intimately who they would choose as mates, one dead and one alive – to keep things neutral – and why. This is what sadistic shit came out of their mouths:

Atoosa from the streets of Persia says;

My alive one is Ryan Gosling. Your panties got wet when I said that, didn’t they? That’s why I chose him. I think he would have the perfect balance of eye contact love-making and lift my leg up and let me have it. Plus how good would pillow talk be? I hope he puts a baby in me.

So said every girl who has ever seen Ryan Gosling. Approved.

As for the dead one, let’s just say you won’t see me reach for the leg at a turkey dinner…Ok, I’ll say it another way…I like my men like my tea… not too dark. Having said that, I’d want to fool around with Osama Bin Laden. I think I will find great satisfaction seeing his beard and turban in between my legs. Yes, I would make him go down on me – for a long time. Shall we say Ahmed?

That was special. I see your point about the beard,  and do think it would be a new form of torture Osama has not yet experienced… So I approve.

Tawny from a hoedown in Houston says:

Dead: Napoleon… Because I dig guys with power and he can eat me out while standing up. I just picture myself in napoleonthose old-fashioned big dresses walking around with the little conqueror conquering my renaissance vagina.

In that scenario, I’m assuming she has the ability to also time travel herself and Napoleon to the renaissance era. All ways, approved.

Alive: Johnny Depp… I am really into role play and value efficiency. Johnny Depp would allow me to fulfill pretty much any fantasy with one man (also making me feel less slutty) so I will indulge in what it’s like to fuck a drug-filled psychedelic writer, then sail his seas as a mysterious and witty pirate, then perhaps walk on the wild side with him as a good cop turned mob boss bad ass… The possibilities are endless and I’m banking on an Oscar-winning performance.

Will this video taped, and where can I buy it? Approved.

Now for some male input to see if no logic whatsoever also applies to men.

Lorne from Old London Town says:

Dead: Margaret Thatcher because her body wouldn’t be fully decayed yet. And I feel like she could have used a good steady bang to loosen her up. I’ll give her a first and last orgasm to send her off to the other side.

Literal, thoughtful, and generous. Approved.hero

Alive: The Chinese gymnastics team. Bendy, ageless and motivated. I’d create an intricate plan to free them from their masters and come out as a hero. Then sleep with them all as a reward.

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Approved.

Well that was fun! So, what did we learn today? Other than the usual nothing, we discovered sex is the only reason people are with other people. So, nothing particularly new. You’re welcome.

It’s the weekend, people! Go drop a pill in someone’s drink and have some fun!

Line. It. Up!!