That Sh!t’s Cray Day

Listen, nobody thinks Valentines Day is more redundant than I do. Well, maybe women who give their cats human names do. And I am not going to argue that title, those ladies have lost enough already. #atlife Oh, this isn’t twitter and hashtags don’t lead to anything? Suck it.

Light pms-induced rant aside, if you hate Valentines day, move to Scandinavia: the land that Saint Valentine forgot. You can’t really blame him, though, considering the Vikings tore through his sacred land like wild, giant, hairy, attractive beasts. Stole all their shit, burned down their Monasteries and probably dub-teamed some of the more femy christian monks along the way. (Facts courtesy of the tv show Vikings-completely historically accurate)

Though to contradict myself as I often do; as a happy person, I simply like to celebrate, and I’m not picky as to what or when or how. But since I’ve been on record throwing my hate down on Val’s day, I think it’s time to bring this party into the 21st century.

Here is my official proposal to change this holiday to something equally redundant but possibly more meaningful. Ha.

St. High Day (not what you think, mom)
Background: A literal interpretation of the new Russian thrill seeking fixation.
Purpose: To bring together mankind with things they’ve built.
Christian Meaning: Getting closer to God
How to celebrate: Climb something. It could be a building, your significant other, a stranger on the street, or climbing to a higher consciousness #drugs. Did it again.

St. Cray Day
Background: When humans began exploring, they found a lot of strange shit. Here’s just a few: Albino’s, you can die from eating too much nutmeg, the tree man exists, the turtle kid exists, the Aye Aye is a real animal, and crabs (the indoor kind)- gross.
Purpose: To honor life’s weird phenomenons.
Christian Meaning: Believing Mary was a virgin
How to Celebrate: Go outside. Or read a bible.

St. VDay
Background: Women were born with vaginas.1387220101511
Purpose: To celebrate the female human reproductive system in all of its beauty.
Christian Meaning: Procreate if already married. If not, you run the risk of being stoned to death. By stones.
How to Celebrate: With or without a mate, this day is dedicated to health and wellness. Take a bath, do some yoga, watch an episode of Masters of Sex, watch an episode of Spartacus, sit on a dryer, bicycle down a bumpy road, ride a cowboy or cowgirl- this isn’t Sochi.

I think that last one will be a huge contender. On your face, Valentine. Boom.

And if for some strange reason you’re a hopeless romantic and have decided to stick with Valentine’s Day, don’t worry, there’s someone/thing out there for everyone. Read this list-

High Five and have a happy Vday weekend!