One day, not so long ago, I was able to starfish the shit out of my bed. Flopping my face from pillow to pillow, carelessly drooling everywhere, and shoving all the sheets in between my legs like a proper classy sleeper. I loved my bed so much that I was reluctant to share it with even my sisters. For the sake of not being a complete cold hearted unlovable female, I would keep up appearances around boyfriends.
By lying my face off. Obviously.
I used to say, Oh, ya, I’m so comfy, I fit into your nook perfectly. They fell for it every time and would respond with something like, “we do fit so well together”, then I would end that puke worthy sentence with, like a puzzle. But really dude, you’re an above average sized male and I am two inches away from being an actual elf, I’d fit in your 13-year-old brother’s nook.
Ooo pedophilia threats before noon. It’s gonna be a good day.
The downside: my lies came with a price – neck pain. Let me ask you this; in a nook, where does your head go? Not on his huge shoulders because now I’m getting a cramp and that’s going to make me sleep awful. I can’t put my head flat on the mattress or else I would most likely end up suffocating by the smell of his bushy armpit, and if I’m lucky enough to live through it, I’ll probably spit out a pit hair later, then gag and never want to see him again.
Which brings me to today’s blog topic, Who has Ambien and are you willing to share?
Then I met my asshole of a fiance who insisted I be “honest” with him. So I admitted cuddling wasn’t my thing because I’m not an infant and I don’t currently have a fever. Our mutual understanding of my soft-side only existing while I’m sick, allowed me to enjoy sleeping in the same bed with him. He gave me space but let me know he’s there with his hand on my butt or leg. It made me feel safe. As time went by, I started to enjoy the spoon… and now I can’t sleep without him!
What a fucking asshole! He slow played me into being a loving girlfriend. I’ve been bested!
He’s been away for work for two nights and I haven’t been able to sleep. Last night I stayed awake till 2 am then I woke up at 6am.
What. The. Fuck.
I do not need that much time in my day. I don’t have kids and my job is writing books, in which I’m cracking at my second. Other than that, I sometimes cook and clean. Today I sat in a bath for 2 hours! Watched snow fall from the window, noticed how I do sound better while singing in a bathroom -watch out Beyonce- and then braided my hair Pocahontas style. When I got out, I almost forgot how to walk. After a second breakfast I thought I’d take a stab at sleeping. No shot. So I talked to my brother, researched literary agents, browsed Pinterest for wedding planning ideas, messaged my planner with ideas like can we have rocks as our guestbook and get them to put it in a glass vase so we can use it as decoration in our house later?, responded to some emails and then tried to nap. Never happened.
God I love that brilliant bastard. Come home so I can sleep already!
Dear Pinterest, I am considering suing you for giving me anorexia and a urinary tract infection. You heard me. Future attorney, please note it was 3:38pm when I realized I had not peed or ate the entire day.
High Five People!!! Line those elbows up first, this isn’t amateur hour.