I Am Your Mother Now

This morning I woke up, curled my hair, whitened my teeth, and carefully added three layers of face to my original face. Then, as I was on my 30th minute of staring at myself in the mirror, something possessed my body, lifted up my arm and flipped me the finger. ‘What the fuck, self? Why you gotta do me like that?’ Then, my reflection talked back to me. ‘Well, dickhead, stop stalling and start editing your goddamn book. No one but me will be seeing you all day and frankly, I rather hang out with the nerdy writer than the slutty cheerleader. This finger will be fuck-you’ing you all day if you don’t turn around and get to work.’

Realization 1- Dropping acid into your fruit bowl for breakfast is not a good idea.

Realization 2- I am a straight up bitch.

As the saying goes ‘you learn something new every day’, this week I’ve learned that I may actually be afraid of completely finishing my book.

I am on the second half of the second round of approving edits from my editor and I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. A really fucking bright and awesome kick ass light coming out of an impossibly small tunnel. You look at the tunnel and think, there’s no way this light is going to be able to fit through this. It’s taken thirteen months of labour to birth this light and it’s finally time to push.

But instead of holding on to the hospital bed railings while sweating profusely and screaming cock suck mother fuck, join this goddamn mother fucking world already you son of a bitch, I’ve done the following things.

  • Babysat a Rottweiler puppy.
  • Went to lunch with my girlfriends.
  • Spent half a day running, exercising, and playing with the dog.
  • Took a 3 hour nap
  • Spent a solid afternoon watching little kids fail, trying to fly kites in the rain
  • Had a sword fight with my 4 year old niece with straws we found outside
  • Took another nap
  • Made a rhubarb pie
  • Watched 8 episodes of Sons of Anarchy
  • Spent 2 hours figuring out how to-then actually did- pull a tick out of a dogs head
  • Threatened to puke a few times from having to touch a tick
  • Vacuumed the whole house twice
  • Drank a box of wine

So, as you can see, I’m a phenomenal procrastinator. I could teach classes on how not to do stuff, that’s how good I am at it. I don’t need a shrink to tell me I am afraid of Molly, my Mac because I’m being a pussy. I know I’m worried that once I give this thing wings, it will fly away and I won’t have anything to ignore and avoid anymore.

But, like every smart person planning a family – one is simply not enough. My book, Axing My Exes is not my last, so I can let go of the umbilical cord.


Alas, I opened the scary laptop cover and sat at my desk (my couch) and turned on my light (my tv) and put on some motivating music (Rihanna), and got to work.

I can’t wait for millions of people to be able to read it, relate to it, laugh at and with it, and maybe even spill a few drops of Merlot on it, then lick it off- wine is not to waste- don’t worry, the ink will only give you a mild stomach flu. You’re welcome.

Oh, one more thing, self, who are you trying to fool, you are a slutty cheerleader. Rock it.

High five peeps! Line up those elbows. Pow.

You know what I’m talking bout –