Say it now!
Get up offa that thing,
and shake ’till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and shake it, say it now!
Ughhmmm I’m in a James Brown kinda mood this morning, and I can hardly think of a better mood to be in! This past year has been like an Oasis album; somber yet sometimes uplifting; like floating on a cloud of unconsciousness recharging with every power ballad, then breaking out of the dysfunction and finding my mojo again, like Beady Eye. Or more relevantly, I found my way out of grief at the same time as Kris Jenner found her way back to black guys. And we’re both not turning back. Can I get an Amen!
And with that honesty, I figure it was time to share with you some shady things I do to make my life easier.
Sharing is caring.
My husband and I are from different countries, so we travel a lot to visit family and once in a while we selfishly vaca without giving two fucks about how much they miss us. We’re true rebels. In reality our families are probably like “it’s about fuckin time they go somewhere else, those two schmucks think coming home is a vacation and don’t bother picking up after themselves. This is where we potty trained you, mimosas for breakfast is like slapping me in the face telling me I’ve failed as a mother.” I don’t know why, but whenever I imitate my mothers voice, it always turns out with an obnoxiously loud, heavy-set, new york jewish accent. My mom is actually a petite french-canadian who probably doesn’t know what the word ‘schmuck’ means. You get the point. I digress.
Here are 10 Tips and Tricks to use while traveling:
#1 – And likely the most useful
Trick: Ever Trip is your HONEYMOON!! Hotel Concierge: “Oh Congratulations, lovebirds! Here is a free upgrade on life.” Seriously. When booking hotels, put in the comment section that it’s your honeymoon. You’ll always get a better room and view, sometimes even champagne and chocolate. Once, we got the biggest suite and a pre-made bubble bath with rose petals in it. (Kind of gross, I can run my own water so I know one of you pricks didn’t piss in it, (sarcastic) thanks.) But the intention was there, so actually, thank you. This tip works on airline staff sometimes as well if you tell them in person while checking in – first or business class bitches!
Tip: You have to both be on board with the little white lie and act like honeymooners around staff.
Success Rate: 99.9%
#2 Flight Seat Selection
Trick: When traveling as a pair, sitting together is always a desire. When the flight time is over 3 hours, squished together is never ideal. To maximize space in economy, choose an aisle seat and a window seat in the same row when checking in. It’s rare someone will choose a middle seat, so probability of you two having 3 seats for yourselves is much higher. Worst case scenario, if that middle seat does get filled, you switch with that person to either aisle or window and you’re the hero.
Tip: Check in early to get the row you want
Success Rate: 70% Depending on flight occupancy
#3 Priority Due to Injury
Trick: This is the godzilla of airport tricks. Bandage up a body part. You can use a tensor bandage, cast, or crutches if you have them already. Legs are the money shot cus you’ll need a better seat in the airplane and maybe even a golf cart ride around the airport to get to your gate – skipping all lines possible. Beep Beep!
Tip: Leave your morals at home for this one.
Success Rate: 1000%
#4 Show up late to skip through lines
Trick: Panic plus butterfly eyelashes equals skipping to the front. Add in the fact that it’s your honeymoon and you’ve achieved a grand slam.
Tip: Time it wisely, too late and you’ve ruined it.
Success Rate: 75% – you unfortunately have to rely on human beings who work at airports.
#5 Mini bottles …are allowed to be opened on flights! Life. Changed.
Trick: If you’re flying with one of the stingy airlines that no longer serves you alcohol or food without purchase, stop off at duty free first, buy 6 or 100 mini bottles for 5 bucks each, then sleep like a baby while everyone else is awake and starving. Wine is grapes and grapes are food. Nutritional too. You’re welcome.
Tip: Don’t fly with stingy airlines.
Success Rate: 100%
#6 Elite Lounges – free wifi, free food, most of all, free booze
Trick: Sign up for one of the rewards points. Collect points. Get free booze.
Tip: Nothing more needs to be said.
Success Rate: 900%
#7 Bose Earphones
Trick: Simple. To avoid hearing or speaking to anyone around you. Nothing is worse than people chatting while you’re trying to get some sleep. Spend the money on some sound proofing earphones and your life will be changed. One friend said he clicked the earphones ‘on’ button and thought it was that silent moment before death, then realized he had been reborn to a land of peacefulness, where a baby’s cry is a faint memory, and the heavy breather next to you is nearly invisible, except for his fat arm invading your space. Can’t do anything about fat. Fat is fat.
Tip: You may need to sell your body in order to afford these headphones. Hashtag worth it.
Success Rate: 200%
Trick: Where you buy your flight is never cheaper than searching on your own. Hotels.com is great for that 10th free night, but chances of you staying that long is minimal. If you are, then try The Ritz for your 10th night, may only be one day, but it’ll be where you take all your pictures. For a city trip, try airbnb or searching for discount codes online before booking with a larger website.
Tip: If a friend or family member lives in the town you’re visiting, ain’t nothin wrong with sleepin on a couch to save 300 bucks.
Success Rate: Don’t forget to add the honeymoon comment and boom, 199%
#9 Passing immigration, put some pep in that step and lie your face off!
Trick: A super fast way of getting through immigration is telling them you’re traveling for a wedding, bachelor/ette or birthday. That way they think you’re not there to work, to purchase illegal things (and take them back with you), or to immigrate. If you’re excited about it, so are they. Sometimes you’ll get a cunty border guard but she just jealous. You know what they say about haters…they’re single. Try rolling your eyes at the fact that you ‘have’ to go to a-noth-er wedding and you’ll get her back on your side.
Tip: Acting is all about believing the lie…get into character and channel your inner Kristen Wiig
Success Rate: 299%
#10 When in doubt, check NO
Trick: Even if you’re carrying lighters, seeds, food, or have been to a farm, check no. Nothing good ever comes from admitting your ‘illegal’ actions. An Indian couple got ‘detained’ in front of me once because they checked yes to bringing food. They then search and seize your luggage, tear through your things and keep whatever is classified as ‘food’. And really, what is a bag of toasted curry chick peas going to do to America? Nothing. Say no and walk on through with your questionably tasty snack you bad-ass criminals.
Tip: Don’t crack and admit your secret, hold the lie. Hold it! Actually, just to be sure, do yourself a favor and watch Border Security to learn what not to do. Then smile confidently.
Success Rate: 199%
So it turns out I’m not great at math, but I do know how to get free stuff, which means I never have to count. Winning.
Have a great weekend homies and always remember, loose equals more.
High Five…Line up those elbows!!