It’s that time of year again! No, not summer. Or baseball season. Or your annual std check…or is it? Or should it be? Make the call, I’ll wait here.
Okay, you’re back. Did you get an appointment? 10am tomorrow? Solid.
It’s Wedding Season!
I recently walked the plank into the most magnificent waters you have ever seen and I’m a happy fuckin camper, let me tell you. But the road to the big day wasn’t filled with as many rose petals as the isle was. Planning was a mix of Jack-Russell-like energy and excitement, Cruella De Vil ‘where did all the puppies go!’ kind-of-stress, and a hot-minute of a deep Eeyore depression from taking way too many people’s feeling and needs into consideration. But when the date came, it was like a goddamn Mamma Mia fairytale. The private estate on a Greek Island helped attain that theme. My groom was looking extra GQ and I looked like a ballerina swan: white on the outside, black on the inside, as usual.
On the days leading up to the party, every bride get’s earfuls of suggestions, words of wisdom and encouraging life lessons in the form of superstitions. Here are a few:
Do Not Have Break-Up Songs on the Playlist
Significance: It’s a bad omen. Warning: it is said that immediately after the song plays, your marriage fails.
What your Single Friend says: “Sometimes it lasts in love AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTE-EA-EA-D.”
What your Father says: “Well, that’s what a marriage sounds like; whining and yelling.”
What your Grandma says: “Whaaat? Turn it down. Fucking kids.”
Significance: To stress the bride out right before the wedding by threatening doom if these items aren’t collected.
What your Single Friend says: “Oh, so sorry, I wish I had two vintage blue hairclips. But nope, just go this one. Well, if it doesn’t work out: Vegas, bitch!”
What your Father says: “Here, borrow your mother for a day.”
What your Grandma says: “Why bother worrying, you’re not getting married in a church, so your marriage doesn’t count anyways.”
A Hook-up at Your Wedding
Significance: The idea of your love spreading brings long lasting luck.
What your Single Friend says: “I don’t need no-man to make me happy”
What your Father says: “Keep an eye on your mother, she’s looking decent tonight.”
What your Grandma says: “I’d rather get punched in the face than have sex again.”
Significance: Good luck if it rains, if it does not, then no need to lie.
What your Single Friend says: “We should have just gone to VEGAS! It’s like, so romantic there. And never ever rains.”
What your Father says: “Rain or shine, sleet or snow, deal with it.”
What your Grandma says: “When your grandfather (god rest his soul) and I got married in 1946, it was a clear and sunny day, but we were miserable because we had to walk to the church from our house (we didn’t have a car), and it was 15 miles away up four different hills. We were sweating like pigs at a slaughterhouse and my dress was torn to shreds from the jagged rocks. So if some rain falls, just be grateful you have a car to drive in. Spoiled brats.”
The Guest Who Wore Red
Significance: It’s supposed to mean: That ho-bag has slept wich yo man.
What your Single Friend says: “Hehe, woops, I didn’t know that’s what it meant. Totally my bad.”
What your Father says: “Do you need me to break his leg?”
What your Grandma says: “You’re all whores.”
Significance: Passing the torch to the next bride-to-be.
What your Single Friend says: “Move bitch get-out-the-way. Elbows out. Surfboard.”
What your Father says: “Well boys, let’s go have a cigar, the girls are busy throwing money in the air. Get used to it.”
What your Grandma says: “Get in there baker boy, you’re close enough to a girl.”
Cutting the Cake
Significance: Cut it together. If you can’t do this one thing as a team, good luck raising kids. Divorce in 2-5 years max.
What your Single Friend says: “Hey groomsman, they’re busy, quickie in the washroom? Cool.”
What your Father says: “I hope that cake tastes like gold, cus it costs that much.”
What your Grandma says: “Did you know the baker is a man. Huh, I’m gonna guess he won’t be marrying a woman anytime soon. Sissy.”
Significance: Purity and Innocence. But really, the last day being a dirty dirty girl is a sin. Woop woop.
What your Single Friend says: “Ha. That dress ain’t fooling no one, am I right, huh? huh?”
What your Father says: (Swallowing back tears) “That’s my little girl. Pure Angel.”
What your Grandma says: “That white is a lie, they’ve been shacked-up for a couple years, living in sin is what they’re doing. Well, they’ll be going to hell anyways.”
So brides-to-be, get these good luck charms straight and you’re guaranteed a successful marriage.
Fuck one of them up and your husband will leave you for Billy the Baker. It’s science.
Thanks for reading! It’s good to be back! Hive five y’all!